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Burnout, grief, and the way forward

This summer has been difficult.

I’ve been grappling with grief one year after a loss, and the meta-guilt of still being so sad after this much time. I think about her every day. Some days I don’t think about her until I’m falling asleep, when I think, “I haven’t thought about her today yet.” What’s scary is thinking that one day, I might not think about her at all.

I’ve also been dealing with health problems of my own. I’m not ready to share more information right now, but I am aware that I look sick. I am just trying to show up in public, at anime cons and Japanese class and conversation group, while ignoring it. I am trying to focus on the present until I have more information about what my life will be like in the future.

I’ve been living in the liminal space of being moved out of my apartment of the last seven years into a condo that needs a lot of time, effort, and furniture to feel like a home. This is the first place we’ve owned and we are paralyzed by choice. Drilling through the wall is no longer off limits, for example, so we’re carving this place out to better fit our extremely online lives. It’s fun, but it can be exhausting to live in an unfinished space that still needs so much from me.

I’m not sure if it’s just one or all three of these things that have led to my current dilemma: I’ve stopped watching anime for fun. Everything I started this summer, no matter how great it seemed at the beginning, has lost my interest. I’m still watching the shows I need to review (Harukana Receive and Free! -Dive to the Future-). But I have to stop myself from saying that every episode sounds forced or fake or emotionally hollow. Even the most acclaimed shows this season just feel strained to me. I know this isn’t reality; this is burnout.

Anime has always been my escape when times were hard. When I felt burned out about work and studying earlier this year, I watched anime to relax and recharge until I felt like myself again. I didn’t know I could burn out on my favorite thing.

Anyway, this is a big reason I haven’t been posting. I love to write about anime and how it makes me feel as a fan. But it hasn’t been making me feel much of anything lately. So I’m trying to treat it like any other kind of burnout. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t force it. Take a break. (I can’t believe I’m the same blogger who in 2013 wrote the bragging blog title: “Burnout, what burnout? A year in anime consumption.”)

I’ve been running Otaku Journalist for almost nine years now. My writing voice has grown up a lot over that time, and I’ve changed a lot as a person. My periods of productivity have far outnumbered my hiatuses, but it’s a reminder that I’d like to make it easier to crawl my archives in the future. There’s some helpful content here in between the “sorry I haven’t been posting” stuff. That might mean seriously expanding the Start Here page, or running a series of posts collecting different categories of advice over the years. Every time I think, “Where do I want this blog to go?” I always land on the same answer: to help geeks launch their careers.

Thanks for bearing with me. I may still be standing still in 2018, but I have a roadmap planned for when I’m ready to move forward.

My Otakon 2018 Panel Line-Up

When my to-do list is packed, updating this blog is the first thing to go. Over the last few weeks, John and I bought a condo and moved in—a life-changing event that was not made much easier by our old apartment and our new place being located just a block apart.

At the same time, it’s been a client-heavy July for me. Since I don’t make the same amount of money every month, I rely on the busy times to make up the difference. For that reason, I didn’t say no to a single assignment in July even though I was in the middle of a move!

Additionally, I have a four-legged houseguest coworking with me this week. For timely updates on this developing story, check Twitter.

Even though I still have Gunpla models to unpack, I’ve moved on to using my free time on polishing my Otakon panels. I’m planning to write a tutorial about how I research and technically create panels in the future. But for now, if you want to see what I do, you’ll have to come to one of my panels! Here are the panels I’ll be giving at Otakon 2018:

Patlabor, the Other Great Mecha Franchise You’ve Never Heard Of

Friday, 5 PM – 6 PM

It ain’t Gundam, but this mold-breaking mecha show is credited as the inspiration behind Pacific Rim. On the heels of an announcement about a brand new addition to the Patlabor franchise, we’re revisiting Studio Headgear’s original masterpiece. We’ll be sharing plenty of clips from this part-comedy sitcom, part-robot action show, so get ready to party like it’s 1989!

The title sounds hyperbolic but comes from my partially evidence-based belief that even as I get older and keep going to cons, the average anime convention attendee remains fairly young. While it can be hard to find these stats, I know that at Anime USA the median age is around 19. This younger group is the demographic that I’d like to introduce to Patlabor with this panel.

That said, I’m presenting this panel with John and Tom Aznable, and Tom in particular is an expert on the franchise. So while this will be beginner-friendly, it won’t be without depth. Even if you’re a Patlabor fan already, you will learn something new—I did, during our research!

39 Years of Gundam Anime

Saturday, 12:15 AM to 1:15 AM

Haven’t watched all 39 years of Gundam yet? Do you feel overwhelmed and not know where to start? Join us as Gunpla 101 covers the best and worst of Gundam-detailing those awesome highlights and unintentionally hilarious lowlights-to get you caught up.

Technically, John and I are hosting this panel in the early hours of Sunday morning. I am not a night person so get ready to see me really amped up on caffeine.

Since the panel is so late, we’ve decided to switch it up with a lot of new additions—more than 10 new video clips in particular. We’re focusing on interesting and strange parts of the Gundam canon to keep people awake late at night. We’re also going to feature a few of Gundam’s racier moments since this is quite literally Gundam after dark.

How Gundam Became an Art Form

Sunday, 9 AM to 10 AM

As it nears its fourth decade, the Mobile Suit Gundam franchise has become more than just an anime series. It’s now a cultural phenomenon. We’ll take a look at some fascinating ways it has influenced things from art museum exhibits to clothing lines and many more areas, some that might surprise you!

I’m working on this with John, Tom Aznable, and Doug Wilder, and I feel a little like the kid who coasts during the group project and expects to get an A based on everyone else’s work. I’m really lucky to be part of this fascinating, extremely well-researched panel. Some of the Gundam art, exhibits, and product tie-ins that we’re showcasing were completely new to me.

Between the late Saturday panel and this early Sunday one, I sort of lost the panel time lottery. But based on what I’ve already seen behind the scenes, this will be worth the early wake-up call.

On writing about cartoons in Hell World

There’s no going around it: this month has been a hellscape. The discovery that my country is imprisoning children and babies is horrific, even if it’s what we’ve always done.

I have lived in DC for decades which means politics have always directly affected my life. Many of my friends and family are government employees or contractors, so when Trump tweets something stupid, they are the ones who pay the price—getting downsized, losing half their office budget, or spending valuable time creating a report on why it’s not possible to restore WWII era technology to the military, and yes that really happened.

During these times, fandom has been an escape for me. But last week crushed that solace, too, when we learned that there is going to be a white supremacy rally about a mile from Otakon. I’m well aware of our ties to the alt-right; I know that hate is always just a click away in the Crunchyroll or Anime News Network forums. But this is a new kind of closeness.

Times like this, it is more difficult than ever to be motivated as a pop culture journalist. These past few weeks, I haven’t even published anything on my Forbes blog. Reporting is like shining a spotlight, and I keep second-guessing if my coverage deserves people’s attention. When the world is a mess, can we still afford to focus on fandom?

I knew I couldn’t be the first writer to have this concern and I’m not—Vinnie Mancuso wrote What Is the Point of Pop Culture in a World Gone Mad? in 2016. Unfortunately, his essay is even more relevant in 2018: “What’s the use in marveling at dragons on-screen when the dragons are all here, and they’re more terrifying figures than any CGI budget could afford?”

It’s exhausting. When this all began I was calling my senators daily. Now I throw donations at organizations like RAICES and the ACLU as if money will excuse my inaction. At the very least I vote in every election, even dinky little local primaries. I know this isn’t a whole lot. As a white cis woman, I know that I have it easy and that I should be doing more.

This has been the deafening background noise of my life for months, but I checked out my archive here and realized I haven’t written about what it feels like to live in DC in this era. (The answer: suffocating.) Instead, I’ve been posting about cartoons as usual. Part of it is that I feel I should stay in my lane: I’m not a political reporter. Still, everything is political now: from the survival of my LGBT friends to the presence of immigrants like my father in this country.

There is no roadmap for where we go from here, but I know the answer isn’t black and white. The solution won’t be a total retreat into subculture writing nor full-time rage. I think it’ll be a little different for everybody reading this—what we can each contribute, the ways we can support each other in a world that has gone off the rails.

Additionally, I think fandom will be a part of what saves us. What’s incredible about conventions like Otakon is that even when there are 30,000 people in one spot with all the differences that come with that, there’s still at least one shared interest we all have in common. Its very existence refutes what the Nazis next door would have us believe—that some people are so different, they’re not even the same species. We know that’s flat-out wrong.

I’ll be sticking to fandom moving forward, but don’t think for a second that I’m not angry, that I’m not fighting. But like Mancuso concludes, there is a point to all this: “Pop culture doesn’t exist to save lives, but it can be a reminder that every single life is as valuable as your own. Just think to the last time a piece of art truly moved you, and realize there’s a good chance it moved someone half a world away.” I want to believe that still, so I’ll keep writing.

Join me at Anime Boston 2018

Me at my second Anime Boston in 2011; John and I goofing around at Anime Boston 2017

Eight years ago, I applied as a member of the press to Anime Boston and was promptly rejected. I was a graduate student and, at the time, Anime Boston didn’t accept student members of the press.

Shortly after tweeting about the missed opportunity, then-Marketing Director Tuan Pham asked me if I’d still like to report on Anime Boston, but in a different way than I’d imagined. I immediately accepted. And after that, I never really left. Today I consider Anime Boston my home convention. Even though it’s a plane ride away from where I actually live, it’s the con that’s closest to my heart.

Since 2010 I’ve been volunteering at the con almost every year on Blog Staff. The fact that there even is a blog staff at Anime Boston is a bit unusual, but I feel like we do meaningful work. You can check the blog to get summaries of panels you missed, or see the Masquerade winner list, or find out how much the priciest item went for at the Charity Auction. If you couldn’t go to Anime Boston at all, it’s a digest of how the weekend went. We publish one post a week most of the year, and at the con, we publish 12 posts a day. Anything I write for Anime Boston has my signature on it.

Read the Blog

This year is no different. When I’m not posing in a unicorn mask, I’ll be writing nonstop about the con, with a focus on inclusive topics. Anime Boston was one of the first conventions to have gender-neutral bathrooms and “other” as a gender option for attendees, and there’s always a priority on diverse panel programming no matter what the yearly theme is. I’m glad our blog lives on Tumblr, which seems to have a userbase that is especially enthusiastic about this kind of content.

Annual programming aside, this year’s theme is “To The Stars” AKA space, so John and I will be giving our panel on Gundam antagonist Char Aznable, titled “He Is A Char: A Tribute To Gundam’s Most Famous Masked Man” in the program guide. It’s all the way at the end of Sunday since we’re working throughout the con.

Whether you’ll be in Boston or not, I hope you take a look at the blog. I’m going to be pouring my heart into it from Thursday through Monday, so that’s where you’ll hear from me for the rest of the week.

Conventions are incredible. I’ve been watching this one grow for almost a decade. Amazingly, in that time, the median age has barely budged, so each year I get to see kids who were my age when I discovered Anime Boston enjoying it, maybe for the first time. I’m glad to be a part of making their experience great.

What I want the parents of anime fans to know

Last week, a parent asked for my advice about his teen daughter’s new interest in anime.

I was down in Florida, visiting my own parents when I got the email. “What would you advise him?” I asked.

My mom and dad weren’t sure. After all, when they raised their own anime fan daughter, there wasn’t really anyone they could ask. Anime was not as popular then and they didn’t know any fans their own age. As I wrote in my 2016 post, What I want the next generation of anime fans to know, “I wish there had been someone like me to talk to my parents when I was a kid.”

Today, anime is more ingrained in popular culture than ever. Celebrities like Michael B. Jordan and Kim Kardashian West profess their love for it. And there are lots of adult fans like me who are old enough to sympathize with parents’ concerns about anime while still remembering what it was like to be a tween or teen discovering anime for the first time.

So when uninformed parents need somebody to ask for advice, I’m thrilled when they go to me. Bill is one of those parents, somebody who found me through my Forbes page. He gave me his permission to repost a short version of his original email.

I am the father of a 14-year-old girl who loves anime and doing art related to anime. Although she is a very intelligent young lady, she is still a child is so many ways. She has been very open with us about what she is doing online and her interests.

Lately, she has been telling us about Anime Amino, a site where she posts her art and receives feedback. After reading the negatives from people on Common Sense Media, it appears that many of these anime and cosplay (not sure what this is exactly other than dress up) activities lead to sexual content at some point. If that is the case, or there’s a high likelihood of it occurring, I’m inclined to prevent her from going any further.

Online addiction aside, if she can get some positives from these experiences then I would want to continue to support her efforts. Since you are very knowledgeable in these areas, I would really appreciate any thoughts you might have regarding our situation.

—Bill

When people write to me, I try to balance my adult mind with how desperately my young anime fan self simply wanted to be understood. That’s what I was channeling with I wrote to Bill.

Hi Bill,

Anime is a medium of entertainment, not a genre. So there are many kinds of anime: action, comedy, drama, stuff for kids, and stuff for adults. Just like with the entertainment medium of movies, there’s anime that’s age-appropriate for your daughter and anime that isn’t.

So where to start? Anime Feminist is a website organizing a list of anime that is good for teens and tweens. Beneath the Tangles is an anime blog for Christian anime fans and their families. There’s also Common Sense Media’s list of anime for kids. Maybe you could check out one of the shows on the list with her as a way to check it out while also showing interest in her and her hobby.

One thing I do want to say is that cosplay (you’re right, it’s dress up) is not considered sexual. It’s about wearing costumes of characters fans admire from anime, video games, comics, or movies. (I’m certain it can be made sexual, just like anime, movies, video games, and comics can be made sexual, but it isn’t on its own.)

As far as I know, Anime Amino is a forum for mostly teen participants. You can just scroll through it to see the kind of stuff kids talk about there. Additionally, it has a lot of stuff that’s against the rules, including hate speech and explicit words or imagery.

Finally, it’s great that your daughter is being open with you about her activities because it shows a bond of trust. She’s not scared that you’re going to judge her or try to stop her from participating. I think that means that if she has a problem or does find content that makes her uncomfortable, she’ll feel comfortable coming to you about it.

Best wishes, Lauren

Thanks to the Anime Feminist team for helping me develop this response—especially the final paragraph. It’s important to remember that there are people of all ages in our community and to make it something kids still feel as comfortable as we did participating in (and something their parents feel comfortable condoning, too).

What kind of advice would you give to a concerned parent of an anime fan?