Otaku Journalist

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Burnout, grief, and the way forward

September 4, 2018No Comments

This summer has been difficult.

I’ve been grappling with grief one year after a loss, and the meta-guilt of still being so sad after this much time. I think about her every day. Some days I don’t think about her until I’m falling asleep, when I think, “I haven’t thought about her today yet.” What’s scary is thinking that one day, I might not think about her at all.

I’ve also been dealing with health problems of my own. I’m not ready to share more information right now, but I am aware that I look sick. I am just trying to show up in public, at anime cons and Japanese class and conversation group, while ignoring it. I am trying to focus on the present until I have more information about what my life will be like in the future.

I’ve been living in the liminal space of being moved out of my apartment of the last seven years into a condo that needs a lot of time, effort, and furniture to feel like a home. This is the first place we’ve owned and we are paralyzed by choice. Drilling through the wall is no longer off limits, for example, so we’re carving this place out to better fit our extremely online lives. It’s fun, but it can be exhausting to live in an unfinished space that still needs so much from me.

I’m not sure if it’s just one or all three of these things that have led to my current dilemma: I’ve stopped watching anime for fun. Everything I started this summer, no matter how great it seemed at the beginning, has lost my interest. I’m still watching the shows I need to review (Harukana Receive and Free! -Dive to the Future-). But I have to stop myself from saying that every episode sounds forced or fake or emotionally hollow. Even the most acclaimed shows this season just feel strained to me. I know this isn’t reality; this is burnout.

Anime has always been my escape when times were hard. When I felt burned out about work and studying earlier this year, I watched anime to relax and recharge until I felt like myself again. I didn’t know I could burn out on my favorite thing.

Anyway, this is a big reason I haven’t been posting. I love to write about anime and how it makes me feel as a fan. But it hasn’t been making me feel much of anything lately. So I’m trying to treat it like any other kind of burnout. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t force it. Take a break. (I can’t believe I’m the same blogger who in 2013 wrote the bragging blog title: “Burnout, what burnout? A year in anime consumption.”)

I’ve been running Otaku Journalist for almost nine years now. My writing voice has grown up a lot over that time, and I’ve changed a lot as a person. My periods of productivity have far outnumbered my hiatuses, but it’s a reminder that I’d like to make it easier to crawl my archives in the future. There’s some helpful content here in between the “sorry I haven’t been posting” stuff. That might mean seriously expanding the Start Here page, or running a series of posts collecting different categories of advice over the years. Every time I think, “Where do I want this blog to go?” I always land on the same answer: to help geeks launch their careers.

Thanks for bearing with me. I may still be standing still in 2018, but I have a roadmap planned for when I’m ready to move forward.

My Otakon 2018 Panel Line-Up

August 6, 2018

When my to-do list is packed, updating this blog is the first thing to go. Over the last few weeks, John and I bought a condo and moved in—a life-changing event that was not made much easier by our old apartment and our new place being located just a block apart.

At the same time, it’s been a client-heavy July for me. Since I don’t make the same amount of money every month, I rely on the busy times to make up the difference. For that reason, I didn’t say no to a single assignment in July even though I was in the middle of a move!

Additionally, I have a four-legged houseguest coworking with me this week. For timely updates on this developing story, check Twitter.

Even though I still have Gunpla models to unpack, I’ve moved on to using my free time on polishing my Otakon panels. I’m planning to write a tutorial about how I research and technically create panels in the future. But for now, if you want to see what I do, you’ll have to come to one of my panels! Here are the panels I’ll be giving at Otakon 2018:

Patlabor, the Other Great Mecha Franchise You’ve Never Heard Of

Friday, 5 PM – 6 PM

It ain’t Gundam, but this mold-breaking mecha show is credited as the inspiration behind Pacific Rim. On the heels of an announcement about a brand new addition to the Patlabor franchise, we’re revisiting Studio Headgear’s original masterpiece. We’ll be sharing plenty of clips from this part-comedy sitcom, part-robot action show, so get ready to party like it’s 1989!

The title sounds hyperbolic but comes from my partially evidence-based belief that even as I get older and keep going to cons, the average anime convention attendee remains fairly young. While it can be hard to find these stats, I know that at Anime USA the median age is around 19. This younger group is the demographic that I’d like to introduce to Patlabor with this panel.

That said, I’m presenting this panel with John and Tom Aznable, and Tom in particular is an expert on the franchise. So while this will be beginner-friendly, it won’t be without depth. Even if you’re a Patlabor fan already, you will learn something new—I did, during our research!

39 Years of Gundam Anime

Saturday, 12:15 AM to 1:15 AM

Haven’t watched all 39 years of Gundam yet? Do you feel overwhelmed and not know where to start? Join us as Gunpla 101 covers the best and worst of Gundam-detailing those awesome highlights and unintentionally hilarious lowlights-to get you caught up.

Technically, John and I are hosting this panel in the early hours of Sunday morning. I am not a night person so get ready to see me really amped up on caffeine.

Since the panel is so late, we’ve decided to switch it up with a lot of new additions—more than 10 new video clips in particular. We’re focusing on interesting and strange parts of the Gundam canon to keep people awake late at night. We’re also going to feature a few of Gundam’s racier moments since this is quite literally Gundam after dark.

How Gundam Became an Art Form

Sunday, 9 AM to 10 AM

As it nears its fourth decade, the Mobile Suit Gundam franchise has become more than just an anime series. It’s now a cultural phenomenon. We’ll take a look at some fascinating ways it has influenced things from art museum exhibits to clothing lines and many more areas, some that might surprise you!

I’m working on this with John, Tom Aznable, and Doug Wilder, and I feel a little like the kid who coasts during the group project and expects to get an A based on everyone else’s work. I’m really lucky to be part of this fascinating, extremely well-researched panel. Some of the Gundam art, exhibits, and product tie-ins that we’re showcasing were completely new to me.

Between the late Saturday panel and this early Sunday one, I sort of lost the panel time lottery. But based on what I’ve already seen behind the scenes, this will be worth the early wake-up call.

The ‘Free! -Dive to the Future-‘ friend circle is familiar, but not unchanged

July 16, 2018

Free! -Dive to the Future- marks a new era in Haru’s life. Our swim boy protagonist is attending college now, a major milestone in anybody’s life. But while college is normally a time to branch out and experience new things, Haru is spending an awful lot of time with his old friends.

You could call this lazy storytelling. Or perhaps smart marketing, to not give up on the characters Kyoto Animation has spent so much time developing and selling merchandise for. But for a few viewers, myself included, I’d say this experience is pretty true to form.

I’ve never liked change. When I was looking at colleges, I only searched nearby. I ended up picking a place about an hour from home, the University of Mary Washington. Several of my high school friends also decided to go there, and I was so incredibly relieved. Once again, I could stay in my comfort zone and spend time with people I already knew.

Today, I’m regularly in touch with exactly one person I met in college: my husband, John. He was the president of the college anime club that I and some of my friends attended. If he hadn’t made his way into our group, I might not have gotten to know him.

It’s not that I’m snobby or even particularly shy, but I’ve always had a difficult time making new friends. Growing up, I was bullied a lot because I tend to get very enthusiastic about things I like, which made me a target. (A great example of this is when I studied abroad in Italy and made zero friends. On the way to Tuscany, I kept excitedly pointing out the animals and birds, assuming other people would also care, not realizing it was obnoxious. People called me Nature Girl and either laughed at me or ignored me for the rest of the semester.)

For most of my life, I was like Haru. I think it’s easy for plenty of fans to relate to this introverted, socially anxious swimmer. I wasn’t reserved the way he is, but I could relate to how cultivating existing friendships feels like a safer bet than making new ones. I used to think this was the most low-risk strategy, too. I used to think there was actual strategy involved, and that the right one earned you a group of friends who never judged, fought, or left you.

For me, the most prominent example of how unlikely this is occurred this week in 2017 when a friend of mine died unexpectedly. It took us until November to find out why: a congenital heart defect. She was a wife, a new mom, and an incredible friend. Not a day has passed this year that I haven’t thought about her. She would have teased me so much about being on my anime blog again, in a post about Free! of all things. The enormity of her legacy could never fit into a couple of trite blog posts, but I bring up her impact again because on this anniversary, I am reminded that change happens no matter what. The people you love have a fixed amount of time in your life, and no method of making friends, or closing yourself off from others, will ever make you “safe” from heartbreak.

The Free! franchise has always been surprisingly good at portraying nuanced relationships, and -Dive to the Future- appears to be a story about exploring the intricacies of friendship. None of the characters we meet are new (though two might seem unfamiliar if you haven’t seen the movie). But while Haru has been growing up, they certainly haven’t been standing in place. Even when you’ve known somebody since middle school, the unexpected can strike. People grow apart or together. Acquaintances can become best friends. Best friends can become rivals. Friends can stay by Haru’s side for years, like Makoto, or travel thousands of miles away from him, like Rin. Change is inevitable.

This past year, I’ve been trying to embrace change for the first time in my life. My Japanese English conversation group has become a surprisingly big part of my social life for a group of people who are constantly speaking to each other in their least fluent language. I’ve met people through anime conventions, groups like Anime Feminist, and my local entrepreneur circle. My core group of friends from high school is still very important to me, but the way I interact with them has changed, too. I try harder to reach out, to not take people’s friendship for granted. I can’t keep friends with me forever, but I can appreciate them more while they’re here.

An anime where nothing changes would be boring, so I get how people might be concerned to see the same old characters returning and making an exciting new setting all too familiar. But as someone with a similar lived experience, I’m confident there’s more than enough to explore.

How I unexpectedly found myself doing PR

July 9, 2018

Usually, my name can be found in the byline of an article. But last week, it was in reporters’ inboxes, too.

That’s because I was in charge of sending the J-Novel Club Anime Expo public relations (PR) announcements. I’ve been working with Sam, the J-Novel Club founder, since before he launched the site. I even designed it! I never planned to do PR there, but the role fits surprisingly well. I use my own name and my own press contacts that I’ve built over the years. As a journalist myself, I feel confident writing emails that I think other journalists will find helpful.

In the past few years, I’ve realized I really enjoy this kind of writing. I got my first taste of PR while writing my own press releases to announce each of my books. I’ve managed publicity for other clients and I’ve also helped friends working on cool projects workshop their own press strategies. The highlight to date was when a young communications student at my alma mater and I had a phone conversation about writing PR that’s earnest and doesn’t suck.

When I was getting my Masters in Journalism, there was this idea that press and PR were polar opposites. One of my classes met in a communications building classroom right after the PR track had met there. We’d laugh at the professors’ obsequious strategies on the board about winning reporters over. At the time, I guessed PR and the press had a combative relationship. PR reps would push me to write glorified ads, I thought, and I would have to push back.

But while I’ve gotten my fair share of terrible press releases on boring or irrelevant topics, public relations point-people have helped me immensely. They send topics right to my inbox so I don’t have to search so hard for stories. They set up interviews with hard-to-reach people. They trust me with news ahead of time so I can publish timely exclusives. They offer to send me free stuff, which I usually refuse unless they send me something I am going to review because as nice as PR contacts are, they are not my friends and nothing they send me is really free.

You’d assume there are more strings attached here, but I somehow maintain good relations with PR contacts even when I write negative stories. I incorrectly called my Amazon Anime Strike piece a bridge-burner, because I used my connections and privilege as a reporter in order to write a negative piece about how much the service disappointed me. But after I sent them a link to the article, the PR contact said they looked forward to working with me again.

Just last week, a PR contact thanked me for my critical article about Cosplay Token. So if there is a string attached, it’s this: if I write anything, they win, because they get attention.

Honestly, I wish somebody had told me this earlier in my career: there’s nothing “brave” about writing negative stories that benefit my readers because no ethical company is going to cut my access because of a legitimate, if negative, story. That would just make them look bad.

The thing that does restrict my coverage? Well, doing PR. I wrote exactly one article about J-Novel Club before I started doing regular PR for them, and even that has a caveat about my ties to the company. I wouldn’t have written an article like that today, because I indirectly benefit.

Still, I would be comfortable with say, being a whistleblower if I learned about bad practices there (fortunately, I have not). I feel the same way about basically anywhere I work. Even though I’ve been writing at Anime News Network for four years, I’ve spoken publicly about being disappointed with CEO Chris Macdonald’s decision to join the Otaku Coin board (and following that up with how glad I was when he backed out of that).

You see, none of the places I work really need me. I am not an employee of anyone. A fellow freelancer recently shared a story on Facebook about these tenuous connections: after a year of turning in well-received work, she got pneumonia and was two days late on a deadline. The company paid her promptly as usual, and never contacted her again. It was perfectly legal. Anyone I work for could just as easily sever ties with me.

But there’s a kind of freedom in that, too. I don’t have one master. No one outlet has so big a vise on my wallet that I can’t up and leave. If one of them does something so poisonous that I don’t want to be associated with them anymore, it’s not a major financial hardship for me.

Lives and careers are messy. Even if I never did PR, this would be the case. My articles are full of editor’s notes: “I donated to this Patreon,” or “I met this founder at a con.” I have a lot of allegiances, sure, but my sense of right and wrong is stronger. Ultimately, my most powerful relationship is to my readers, without whom I wouldn’t have anything. As long as I feel like I’m doing right by them, I can sleep well at night.

On writing about cartoons in Hell World

June 25, 2018

There’s no going around it: this month has been a hellscape. The discovery that my country is imprisoning children and babies is horrific, even if it’s what we’ve always done.

I have lived in DC for decades which means politics have always directly affected my life. Many of my friends and family are government employees or contractors, so when Trump tweets something stupid, they are the ones who pay the price—getting downsized, losing half their office budget, or spending valuable time creating a report on why it’s not possible to restore WWII era technology to the military, and yes that really happened.

During these times, fandom has been an escape for me. But last week crushed that solace, too, when we learned that there is going to be a white supremacy rally about a mile from Otakon. I’m well aware of our ties to the alt-right; I know that hate is always just a click away in the Crunchyroll or Anime News Network forums. But this is a new kind of closeness.

Times like this, it is more difficult than ever to be motivated as a pop culture journalist. These past few weeks, I haven’t even published anything on my Forbes blog. Reporting is like shining a spotlight, and I keep second-guessing if my coverage deserves people’s attention. When the world is a mess, can we still afford to focus on fandom?

I knew I couldn’t be the first writer to have this concern and I’m not—Vinnie Mancuso wrote What Is the Point of Pop Culture in a World Gone Mad? in 2016. Unfortunately, his essay is even more relevant in 2018: “What’s the use in marveling at dragons on-screen when the dragons are all here, and they’re more terrifying figures than any CGI budget could afford?”

It’s exhausting. When this all began I was calling my senators daily. Now I throw donations at organizations like RAICES and the ACLU as if money will excuse my inaction. At the very least I vote in every election, even dinky little local primaries. I know this isn’t a whole lot. As a white cis woman, I know that I have it easy and that I should be doing more.

This has been the deafening background noise of my life for months, but I checked out my archive here and realized I haven’t written about what it feels like to live in DC in this era. (The answer: suffocating.) Instead, I’ve been posting about cartoons as usual. Part of it is that I feel I should stay in my lane: I’m not a political reporter. Still, everything is political now: from the survival of my LGBT friends to the presence of immigrants like my father in this country.

There is no roadmap for where we go from here, but I know the answer isn’t black and white. The solution won’t be a total retreat into subculture writing nor full-time rage. I think it’ll be a little different for everybody reading this—what we can each contribute, the ways we can support each other in a world that has gone off the rails.

Additionally, I think fandom will be a part of what saves us. What’s incredible about conventions like Otakon is that even when there are 30,000 people in one spot with all the differences that come with that, there’s still at least one shared interest we all have in common. Its very existence refutes what the Nazis next door would have us believe—that some people are so different, they’re not even the same species. We know that’s flat-out wrong.

I’ll be sticking to fandom moving forward, but don’t think for a second that I’m not angry, that I’m not fighting. But like Mancuso concludes, there is a point to all this: “Pop culture doesn’t exist to save lives, but it can be a reminder that every single life is as valuable as your own. Just think to the last time a piece of art truly moved you, and realize there’s a good chance it moved someone half a world away.” I want to believe that still, so I’ll keep writing.